Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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