Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
