Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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