how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize