You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
