Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
