Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
