My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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