my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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