They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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