My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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