Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Randomize
