She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
