I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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