You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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