tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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