I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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