she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
