I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize