Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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