Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize