literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
