i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
