Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
