Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
