Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
