If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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