around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
