I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
