Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
