Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
