Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
