Your dad touched me again.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
