i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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