He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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