I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
