i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
