Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
