you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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