She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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