Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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