My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it's not cheating when I paid for it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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