Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
