Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
