this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
