She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
