Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
