Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
