I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
