we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
