Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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