I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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