You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
