What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
