A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
