So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
