I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
