Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I am puke
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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